Every now and then, the need to write comes rushing back. Stealthy, silent, urgent.
There are two paths, I scribble down something, a paragraph, or two. The words so apt to the feelings felt, so raw, so honest. And then there is the other. I forget, I try my best to. With people, things, more things, busyness. The thoughts fade, the opportunity cost of doing so, really really high. Close to nothing can get those exact feelings back. I try, when I am alone, just before I close my eyes. Nothing.

This takes time, effort, putting everything out there. Its so easily found, so open. Maybe I should remain anonymous. But also strangely reconciliatory when I look back and wonder where the last 90 days / 6 months have gone. When will I get myself to understand that sleeping at 2-3am will not get me a happy preview to the next day. There will not be ‘getting up bright sparkly and thankful’ nor will there be the ‘five minutes of silence to give thanks for the day ahead’. There will be, however, a ton of scrambling around, double timing and wishes of ‘why couldn’t I have slept a half hour earlier yesterday’
Short term memory. Or permanent stubborness and in denial. Depends.

That stuff that I do in the day. Yes it gets by, but more and more there is this feeling that there has to be more than this to life. They say few find their passions and even a lesser few actually get to realise them. I truly believe, with every fibre of my being, that I am meant to be where I am. And where I am is where God wants me to be, as of this moment / season in life. I don’t know a month, 3 months, 6 months a year from now whether that will change, but for now, I am just going to give thanks, for my awesome colleagues, for my apparent lack of financial responsibilities in life, and my prerogative to do whatever I want when I want to. And continue to find, to pray that I find, the thing that truly makes me happy, excited, scared and hopeful all at once. Every minute, hour and day.

Going about life is easy. Being present in every minute of it isn’t.
Autopilot might be the best and the worst gift I give myself. I do it so well some days just blur past. One of those instances, today, ended up less than stellar. I won’t know the outcome, consequences, impact till tomorrow. I don’t know which is worse, not knowing, and speculating, or knowing and not knowing what to do about it.
I always exaggerate things in my ridiculous brain. I just hope its not as bad as I think it is.

After moping around to the comfort of people know who know exactly what I go through, sit less than a 5m radius around me, I decide to take a hot shower (thankful that the gym is so close by with an endless supply of hot jet powered water) blowdry my hair and go to dinner. Few deep breaths, let myself know that there is nothing I can do as of that moment in time. And head on down to spend a good time of sashimi, tempura, many laughs and a lot of love.
And it turned out we all needed hugs that night. Some a little more than others.

This writing thing needs to make a come back. Words in the head doesn’t translate that easily these days to words on paper and that has to change.
For now. I need to get through tomorrow, clean. And I need sleep. As always.

Super salmon craving today and really didn’t want to buy some expensive bento set.
Supermarket, Kitchen, 25min later, boom salmon for dinner!
First time I’ve cooked in agesssss and hey still got it hahah

The salmon was so good.
Green beans, mushrooms, sweet corn, salmon. Ahh loveeee

I think I need to cook more (:
So many pictures in the camera, phone I need to put them somewhere before this tiny short term brain forgets about their existence.
Can’t wait for the weekend already…

The thing about fear is that you can run from it, you can pretend it doesn’t exist, but at some point, it will always find a way of catching up with you.

I guess that’s why people go swimming with sharks and jump out of planes, and why they fall in love. Because the only way to conquer fear is to live dangerously..to stare it in the face.

- Dance academy

Somtimes that is all you need.
Just that little more
Just that extra five minutes (of sleep / hanging on the treadmill / of focusing on something)
This few weeks has just been kaaa-raaay-zeee and everyday is so full on unexpected things, many times I comfort myself that all I need is just that little bit more.
After all I am supposed to be in the prime of my youth, 9-7pm-partyallnight-come in to work ok the next day-repeat stage of life.

Work, bring it on.
How apt. My deskmate left this in my care while on leave. And I am treating it as well as it is me.

Why so cute, pig. 

Amazing chirashi don. Fat sashimi slices, Vinegary rice with seaweed. Love this.

What we had. Being absolutely greedy. Some things never change I guess. Yep some definitely made it to next day lunch.
Chawanmushi, above said ricebowl. Except I was too hungry and started digging in hence the hole in the picture below hehe, Teriyaki red snapper, gosh this is so freaking amazing. I had no idea snapper was that fatty, in the fishy way. Finally, grilled Ika to end off (because we were greedy zzz)

Great food, Great friends, Time just flies.
And the mandatory walking around getting lost trying to find the place we’re supposed to be at and reaching there twice the time we actually needed to get there.
Fantastic. (;

Level 33  / Awesome company / Too-expensive food / Hilarious conversations / Medium steak / Mac and cheese / Truffle Mash / Chocolate lava cake / So Hungry Now.  

Giant 22” Pepperoni’s / Yup those are standard forks and knives / Parma ham and rocket / YUM / Fried giant portobello mushroom / Basic Life love / Dessert / Mango icecream with brownie / Ice cream chefs

10KM / 67 minutes / Done / Hot hot hot sweaty run / 157th in age group / Many many many people running the half and full at 1230am / Insanity / When’s the next?(:

Hilarious drawings and attempts to guess previous lines of drawings just by words during cell.

Amazing weekend.

This totally made me laugh after a craptasticically busy day at work. Although I technically was on a endorphin high post awesome 8km run, it still made me pause for awhile and laugh to myself like a retarded person. Yes I’ve seen such signs around, here and there. But this is the first I’ve seen of this sign. So proud of myself though, for making it to the gym despite leaving so late and the body just wanted to go home and lie on my bed and vegetate.
Definitely jabbed at the button a few more times just for kicks(;

And this is of no relation to the above apart from the fact that it is a reminder of the weekend. And this, is love in a bowl. When you are starving but too damn lazy to cook anything for yourself and your brother comes up with a half a packet of instant noodle dunked in a bowl of campbell soup…love, for sure (;

Because we are uncreative and lazy people on weekends. What’s better than pizza and tv, Yup pizza DELIVERY and tv. Yums

And yes not in any relation to the above, this is a picture of fries.
I hopped off the treadmill, really only wanting to eat one thing. Truffle fries.
And the first thing I see while flipping open a random magazine. Omg, I die.
I didnt get to eat truffle fries tonight, but I sure remembered how good they tasted, #6. Freaking amazing.

Fries, so bad for you, but sometimes so damn good.

Yeah definitely all over the place today haha but I kinda like it

In my ideal world that kinda only exist in my brain, of which sometimes I think is off on its own little adventure that I can’t keep up with, my ideal Sunday would go something like this.

Getting up at a respectable time of 8.30 or 9am, after a night of fantastically absurd dreams.
Willingly. Not because I have somewhere to be or something to see to
My sheets smell like freshly laundered and pressed cotton, I roll around in it for a while more for good measure before rolling out of bed.

Admittedly motivated by the fact that there is brunch to be had.
Brunch. Oh how I love thee. Poached eggs, Grilled portobello mushrooms, Homemade hashbrowns, Sausages, Grilled tomatoes, Yoghurt with muesli, Perfectly toasted bread with butter.
And maybe a mouthful of nutella. 
Just because.

Catching up on absolutely useless yet highly interesting things on flipboard while enjoying the comfortable background noise of the television that no one watches in particular on a lovely sunday morning.

Of course, the weather is fantastic. Sunlight with breeze and the perfect lack of humidity putting people in a absolutely happy and non irritable mood. Comfortable enough to wear a light jacket yet enjoy shorts with bare legs to soak up as much sunlight as possible.

When that’s done, we walk to church and and enjoy service like it should be done, with the message being absolutely what I needed to hear that morning. And that sense of gratefulness, love, peace, joy and promise that I feel, leaving with me when I step out of those and staying with me throughout the week. Yeah I love that. 

After that, the grocery store, supermarket, whatevs, to stroll through the aisles to buy essentials for the week. Yes, in my ideal world I still am  responsible and shop for groceries(; And also because I love doing so. Who cares what I need and what I want heh, I would be happy to look up aisles of toilet paper to gourmet cheese that is too stinky to eat. Rows of cereal, rows of pasta sauce, rows of ice cream, rows of baking supplies. I could go all day.
I finally get what I want and treat myself to a few of the needs. Home it is. Maybe a frozen yoghurt in hand. Ok, definitely.

Again, this is still all ideal and hypothetical, so someone will unpack all my groceries and stash them away in their respective places in the fridge and cabinets. And I will turn on the telly, curl up and watch my favourite dramas, or a chickflick.

5.30pm. Head out for a 5km run along an imaginary river where people do watersports like dragonboating and kayaking and I run along the footpath taking in the sights and smelling the flowers and impending summertime.
(not my picture)

Reach home, I can smell dinner cooking and it is heavenly. After a hot hot shower, I take a moment, sit, and eat glorious food. No phones, no internets, no tv’s, no ebooks, nothing. Just me, chewing, tasting every bite, every flavour, savouring.

Then there is dessert. Fresh seasonal fruit. And a square, ok two squares of chocolate.

And we watch a movie, and talk, and laugh, and talk some more. And prepare to face the five days that is ahead. And laugh about the stupidity of this happening every week. But at this point, I am happy. That’s all I need.

Then we sleep at a respectable time that is not 3.30am which is now.