Know those moments in life where you just need to be alone, not talking, not thinking. Momentary respite. Well, sometimes those need to drag on just a little longer. Me time, I believe its called. There are also periods in the year, where these little spots of needing me-time seem to pop up more often than not. And that period is impending, I just know.
Then again, some days you just want to disappear into the world. To be alone in a crowded room. It's scary, but also draws out the inquisitive nature to know how it feels. Being invisible. Will people miss you? Will they call? Or will life just sweep over you like the next wave and the previously left footprints, evened out.
People are funny beings. At least I know I am one. And not in the hilarious way, in the 'I know what I want but yet I'm totally clueless at the same time' way. Funnily clueless I should say.
Do I make sense?
I want people to call
I don't want them to.
I want people to miss me
I don't want them to remember.
When the phone rings, there is this internal struggle, pick up? Leave it be. Contemplating takes as though a lifetime, you stare at the rapid blinking lights till there blink themselves out and it phone goes still. 'I should have answered'
You feel guilty, I will pick it the next time it rings. And you don't, even though it goes off, again.
Before you know it, it has been 5 rounds of staring at blinking lights.
It finally ends, then you get texts.
Easy: Reply the texts after 5 hours with some response indicating you're still alive, thankfully.
Hard: Telling the truth
Yet above all, after all, I still don't know what I want.
Hopefully a little comfort food, will temporarily push these little muddlyfuddly things out of my mind and I will concentrate on little things, but important things, like not turning rice to gooey porridge. Being totally paranoid that I will disgrace my Asian ethnicity by not being able to cook rice successfully, plumping raisins and slowly cooking milk down, very patiently, to the right creamy texture.
And thereafter, I will sit on my favourite spot on the bed, propped up by two pillows, feet curled up, and watch the latest episodes of Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother 6 and eat chilled rice pudding.
Although it is the first time I've eaten rice pudding ever, the smell and taste felt comforting, friendly and right. And I concurred that even if I did not get anything right today, at least I did get this.
That itself, is enough to bring me to a new dawn.
I love what I do.
Vanilla rice pudding
from The Gourmet Cookbook
(serves 4 to 6)
2 cups water
1cup long grain rice
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 Tablespoons butter
1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
4 cups whole milk
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 vanilla bean, split open (I used 1+1/4 tbsp vanilla extract)
1 cup raisins
Bring 2 cups of water to a boil. Stir in lemon zest, salt and long grain rice and return to a boil. Turn the heat to low and simmer the rice, covered, until all of the water is absorbed, about 15 minutes.
Once rice is cooked, place it in a bowl and rise out pan. Add 4 cups of milk, sugar and vanilla bean to the pan. Bring to a low boil, stirring often so the milk doesn’t burn. Add the cooked rice and raisins to the hot milk. Stir often, until the milk cooks down and the rice is creamy, about 20 minutes. Place in a large bowl or serving dishes to cool. Serve cold or at room temperature.