Every now and then, the need to write comes rushing back. Stealthy, silent, urgent.
There are two paths, I scribble down something, a paragraph, or two. The words so apt to the feelings felt, so raw, so honest. And then there is the other. I forget, I try my best to. With people, things, more things, busyness. The thoughts fade, the opportunity cost of doing so, really really high. Close to nothing can get those exact feelings back. I try, when I am alone, just before I close my eyes. Nothing.

This takes time, effort, putting everything out there. Its so easily found, so open. Maybe I should remain anonymous. But also strangely reconciliatory when I look back and wonder where the last 90 days / 6 months have gone. When will I get myself to understand that sleeping at 2-3am will not get me a happy preview to the next day. There will not be ‘getting up bright sparkly and thankful’ nor will there be the ‘five minutes of silence to give thanks for the day ahead’. There will be, however, a ton of scrambling around, double timing and wishes of ‘why couldn’t I have slept a half hour earlier yesterday’
Short term memory. Or permanent stubborness and in denial. Depends.

That stuff that I do in the day. Yes it gets by, but more and more there is this feeling that there has to be more than this to life. They say few find their passions and even a lesser few actually get to realise them. I truly believe, with every fibre of my being, that I am meant to be where I am. And where I am is where God wants me to be, as of this moment / season in life. I don’t know a month, 3 months, 6 months a year from now whether that will change, but for now, I am just going to give thanks, for my awesome colleagues, for my apparent lack of financial responsibilities in life, and my prerogative to do whatever I want when I want to. And continue to find, to pray that I find, the thing that truly makes me happy, excited, scared and hopeful all at once. Every minute, hour and day.

Going about life is easy. Being present in every minute of it isn’t.
Autopilot might be the best and the worst gift I give myself. I do it so well some days just blur past. One of those instances, today, ended up less than stellar. I won’t know the outcome, consequences, impact till tomorrow. I don’t know which is worse, not knowing, and speculating, or knowing and not knowing what to do about it.
I always exaggerate things in my ridiculous brain. I just hope its not as bad as I think it is.

After moping around to the comfort of people know who know exactly what I go through, sit less than a 5m radius around me, I decide to take a hot shower (thankful that the gym is so close by with an endless supply of hot jet powered water) blowdry my hair and go to dinner. Few deep breaths, let myself know that there is nothing I can do as of that moment in time. And head on down to spend a good time of sashimi, tempura, many laughs and a lot of love.
And it turned out we all needed hugs that night. Some a little more than others.

This writing thing needs to make a come back. Words in the head doesn’t translate that easily these days to words on paper and that has to change.
For now. I need to get through tomorrow, clean. And I need sleep. As always.

In my ideal world that kinda only exist in my brain, of which sometimes I think is off on its own little adventure that I can’t keep up with, my ideal Sunday would go something like this.

Getting up at a respectable time of 8.30 or 9am, after a night of fantastically absurd dreams.
Willingly. Not because I have somewhere to be or something to see to
My sheets smell like freshly laundered and pressed cotton, I roll around in it for a while more for good measure before rolling out of bed.

Admittedly motivated by the fact that there is brunch to be had.
Brunch. Oh how I love thee. Poached eggs, Grilled portobello mushrooms, Homemade hashbrowns, Sausages, Grilled tomatoes, Yoghurt with muesli, Perfectly toasted bread with butter.
And maybe a mouthful of nutella. 
Just because.

Catching up on absolutely useless yet highly interesting things on flipboard while enjoying the comfortable background noise of the television that no one watches in particular on a lovely sunday morning.

Of course, the weather is fantastic. Sunlight with breeze and the perfect lack of humidity putting people in a absolutely happy and non irritable mood. Comfortable enough to wear a light jacket yet enjoy shorts with bare legs to soak up as much sunlight as possible.

When that’s done, we walk to church and and enjoy service like it should be done, with the message being absolutely what I needed to hear that morning. And that sense of gratefulness, love, peace, joy and promise that I feel, leaving with me when I step out of those and staying with me throughout the week. Yeah I love that. 

After that, the grocery store, supermarket, whatevs, to stroll through the aisles to buy essentials for the week. Yes, in my ideal world I still am  responsible and shop for groceries(; And also because I love doing so. Who cares what I need and what I want heh, I would be happy to look up aisles of toilet paper to gourmet cheese that is too stinky to eat. Rows of cereal, rows of pasta sauce, rows of ice cream, rows of baking supplies. I could go all day.
I finally get what I want and treat myself to a few of the needs. Home it is. Maybe a frozen yoghurt in hand. Ok, definitely.

Again, this is still all ideal and hypothetical, so someone will unpack all my groceries and stash them away in their respective places in the fridge and cabinets. And I will turn on the telly, curl up and watch my favourite dramas, or a chickflick.

5.30pm. Head out for a 5km run along an imaginary river where people do watersports like dragonboating and kayaking and I run along the footpath taking in the sights and smelling the flowers and impending summertime.
(not my picture)

Reach home, I can smell dinner cooking and it is heavenly. After a hot hot shower, I take a moment, sit, and eat glorious food. No phones, no internets, no tv’s, no ebooks, nothing. Just me, chewing, tasting every bite, every flavour, savouring.

Then there is dessert. Fresh seasonal fruit. And a square, ok two squares of chocolate.

And we watch a movie, and talk, and laugh, and talk some more. And prepare to face the five days that is ahead. And laugh about the stupidity of this happening every week. But at this point, I am happy. That’s all I need.

Then we sleep at a respectable time that is not 3.30am which is now.

I wish I was one of those passionately talented individuals. Knowing absolutely unequivocally what their life calling was, even if they did not like it at some point in time, they still knew, people still told them, they still returned to it at some point. It did not run away, nor hide itself or degenerate. Talent to write, talent for speech, talent to look beautiful, talent with music, especially talent for music. Its such a beautiful thing, to listen to, to appreciate, to lull time by, to zone out to, fall in and out of, wake and fall asleep to. And people who can just take up their instrument, any instrument, and make beautiful notes and chords come out of intricately random yet perfectly orchestrated finger movements. I love the sound of the guitar, the piano, stringed instruments, full orchestras, halfs, string quartets, voices..

Passion. What am I passionate about, passionate for.

I will wait, I will seek, I pray one day I will be lucky enough to know the answer to that age old question.

People say its in the daily things you do or those that do you don’t, that you eventually sieve out the answers to those dreams. Well, here’s just some things that I see everyday, I love the view, the bustle of it, the excitement of importance, the drive of men, the challenge to excel, and sometimes even the concurrent detest of monday blues. Then again, there are the lulls, but I’d like to think I see the glass half full. 

One of the weekend day rides

Like little blue toy buildings.

In other news, its the weeeeeekend!(:

Excited for this(:

Less than excited to eat donuts. Krispy Kreme from land of Aus no less but omgee insanely sweet and gross. Why can’t I say no. Hmpff.

Sigh and technology seem to fail me. Its still running, but barely. Sad face.

Please don’t die on me tooo. It might be abit soon, but I’m deciding between a Apple and PC. Is that losing half the battle already? :/

Bodypump 80 release is so damn good zomg. Bring on Tuesday.

It’s finally raining, after what feels like an entire day of zero wind and 100% humidity. I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy the rain for awhile. The reassuring patter on my windows, distant flashes of lightning, enjoyed all in the comfort knowing that I am safe behind panes. Vision slowly blurring as the droplets trickle down finding each their own way down. Can’t see much except for streetlights lighting up certain droplets in its own unique bokeh blurring everything around it.

Absolutely beautiful.

Safe. Definitely safe. Sitting here and enjoying the rain is in no matter the same as stomping around in rainboots feeling the rain run down your face occassionally prickling your eyes as it runs. Maybe I would just like to feel like a kid again, stomping puddles, running in the rain, not being afraid to fall, afraid to get hurt. Just free.

That one time we rode in the rain. It spoilt our plans, we had to stop, and stop. For the reluctance to let the bikes get wet or trap any more dirt that it should in the cranks, it was hot rain, the icky sort. After more than three stops on the way back, we decided to just go for it, through the rain, all the way home. Yes it did get heavier and rain was running down everywhere possible. It was cold, wet and the fact that we had to clean out those bikes sucked even more. But contrary to that, as we were sitting in the basement cleaning it out, down to the ball bearings, it was one of those times that you remember a long time after and thank God for it. Because he turned something like a failed ride into precious pockets of time that you otherwise would not have spent, getting oil on hands, dirt on legs but a smile on face at the end.

Worth it.

That said, there are other things other than 2am rain that makes me absolutely happy as well.

Smoked duck salad with roasted pumpkin. Hands down one of the best lunches yet. Downside: hole in pocket :/ 

Some loving from awesome colleagues who bring you the best chewy junior flavour there is (:

Yes I eat a salad more than once a week. This was pretty great as well(: 

Mediocre pizza, fantastic company. And thats all I need.

Yummy icecream from awfully chocolate. This never fails.

Haha attack of the mini post its. Thanks to less than extraordinary drawing skills from my sneaky colleagues. Still made for good entertainment though(;

And my favourite weekend breakfast. Of course I will not say no to brunch. But this was definitely calling my name this morning. Getting dressed and out before 10am is sometimes too painful.

Truly Singaporean because this sight makes me want to sing with joy. An empty bus! Sighh

And then this has to happen. WhyWhyWhy. Why my shoes. Why my subpar knot tying skills.
Yep, the right ribbon is still in that state now and making my shoes look horrid. MEH.
Whoever designed those things to be able to come undone. Rawrh.

Every one of these bring back a time, a place, a season. I wonder why I didn’t do this earlier. Spoilt for choice from more than a year’s worth of camera snaps. Its time I put them somewhere.
Baking has definitely taken a back seat, now its more of cooking for myself. But there is definitely still the occassional cookie or brownie craving in which I don’t deny myself (; Just a few things I absolutely adore

Number one being this awesome find. $2 for 5 fat slabs of salmon. Cheap sashimi mondays I like to call it. There are no words to how much I love this.

King of the smelly fruits(:

What people go to IKEA for. Apart from student furniture of course

Frozen goodness and a braised pork. 1 x awesome that’s what it is. Too bad only found in M’sia.

I will wake up for all day breakfasts, yes I will.

Random thought, but reaching home before 10pm and chilling with the tv on is definitely a luxury I enjoy when I get the chance. Everywhere is still aching from yesterday but I still put away 7km anyway. Wheeeee! Awful weird shaky treadmill photo eeep.
No pain no gain. Indeed.

Can the weekend come already, please?

1130pm and the feeling of hunger are not supposed to be friends.
Just another typical Monday where work and excel sheets drive me absolutely crazy. Some start the weekend count down early, I just aim to fill the week with things and people and events that make me look forward to the next day and the next.

I don’t hate my job. I don’t love it with every shred of my being either. I just wanna be out there, not tied by finances or circumstances. One day..one day.
Days seem to pass slowly, yet sometimes when I blink twice, March is gone, then April and soon enough May will be history.
Typical days revolve around work, the gym and and dinner plans with friends or errands that need to be run. Yes I love/hate the gym. More love these days though, and while the weekend left me needing much rest, I still did the routine Monday night Bodypump. One hour later, two shaky legs and one hot shower later, its time for Grey’s Anatomy and the constant battle whether I should rummage for food or sleep it off and dream of places I want to explore.

Everytime I drink coffee, I think of

Everytime I think of the perfect brunch, I think of

Everytime I think of summer fruits, I think of

Everytime I think of the perfect wrap which I can never finish for the life of me, I think of

Everytime I think of the perfect citrusy dessert, I think of

Everytime I think of a place I love, I think of

Everytime I think of life, I think of when it would all happen for me.

Looking at these pictures just makes me incredibly happy and wistful, its a good thing, definitely a good thing.